Log in

No account? Create an account
The Things They Carved - The Seasons change, and, still, I sing. [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ archive | journal archive ]

The Things They Carved [May. 12th, 2011|07:57 pm]
Once, although I can not remember when, there were no marks on my soul. Once, although I can not tell you how long ago, I was truly an uncarved block, waiting to be formed, waiting for the path of my life to be etched upon me. Many times, so many that I can not begin to count them, I have wished a different path was carved onto the surface of my soul and my spirit.

They say that each person we meet comes into our lives for a reason. Thinking back on it now, I suppose that's true. Wouldn't it be nice if evryone who touched us, who had a hand in shaping us, had only our best interests in mind? Wouldn't a life that hadn't been shaped by someone else's selfish desires be perfection?

Of course, not everyone I've known has affected me adversely. Of course they haven't. There are those whose marks upon my soul make me smile. Sadly though, there are those whose etchings make me cringe.

I was nine when first he saw me: nine years old, sheltered and innocent. He saw something in me. I can't tell you what, for even now, so many years later, I can't figure it out. I have no idea what made him look at me and see "victim" written so clearly. But, this is what he saw, and he began the slow process of teaching me that a victim is all I would ever be. Upon my soul, he made the first marks of servitude. He was the first to teach me that I have no value, unless it is to fulfill someone's most unnatural desires.

I was eleven when she first heard me sing. I'd always been told I was gifted, but, honestly, how gifted can an eleven-year-old girl with no training be? Still, she looked at me, listened to me, saw potential, and so, I was chosen. For twenty years, I've studied with her. For twenty years, my soul has been shaped into that of a musician and an artist.

He'd known me all my life. In fact, he was probably present at my birth. Maybe being a teenaged uncle was cool for awhile, but, when your playtoy grows up, and develops a mind of her own, maybe that's not quite so cool. So, he began to make his marks, and how closely they resembled those of the first man. To him, I am a whore, I am unworthy, I am dirty. To him, my purpose is plain, and not pretty. In his mind, my level of success, education, talent, or physical proximity don't make a bit of difference. To him, I'll always be a whore, and I bear the marks to prove it.

I was twenty when she first said she loved me. I'd been engaged by then, but the engagement had been broken off. I'd finally admitted that I was a lesbian, and now, someone loved me. We'd been good friends then, and, although I had feelings for her, I never thought she'd return them. But, she did, and, for nearly ten years, we lived our lives as one. I was cherished. I was loved. It was an unselfish love, not there to prove a point, or to make me into something I wasn't. Instead, it was that love everyone dreams about, pure, unselfish, accepting. She has taught me much over the years, shaped me in ways I can't even begin to describe. As in all relationships, it wasn't all good, but most of it was. I'm glad to bear the marks of her love, proud to be the one she loves so much.

And so, people really do shape us. They have an effect on who and what we become. Sometimes, we may wish otherwise, but that's life. No one can stay smooth and unblemished forever, and it's foolish to think otherwise.

This has been my entry for week 25 of
I can't believe I've made it this far. Thank you to all of you for making it possible.

[User Picture]From: lawchicky
2011-05-13 03:00 am (UTC)
People do shape our lives, and sometimes the most unlikely person can make the most profound impact.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: ecosopher
2011-05-13 03:13 am (UTC)
I enjoyed this. Really gave me the image of people actually physically shaping you, like clay... for both good and bad.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: basric
2011-05-13 03:39 am (UTC)
Nicely done.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: comedychick
2011-05-13 04:09 am (UTC)
You write about her beautifully. And I'm often thinking about the way people who've entered my life shape who I am. Even the negative experiences, I try to shape into positive effects.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: spiralflames
2011-05-13 04:10 am (UTC)
(Reply) (Thread)
From: faerie_spark
2011-05-13 04:14 am (UTC)
You...are a beautiful woman. And while I think that sometimes bad things have to happen to us to make us who we are, those bad things should never have happened. Never!

I saw a presentation by a sex educator/comedian recently. Maria Falzone
says that society gives sexual predators power by not educating and empowering children.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: imafarmgirl
2011-05-13 10:36 am (UTC)
Great entry. I like how you laid it out with examples.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: wyliekat
2011-05-13 01:25 pm (UTC)
I really enjoyed the way you handled this theme - thinking of individuals who made the marks on you, rather than focusing on the marks themselves. It makes them more like a collection of battle scars (signs of survival) and adornments of love.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: baxaphobia
2011-05-13 03:14 pm (UTC)
Another wonderful entry. I'm proud of you for getting this far in Idol! It's a real accomplishment!
(Reply) (Thread)
From: soprano1790
2011-05-13 05:18 pm (UTC)
Oh so true! Very well-written. Top 25! Wow!
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: myrna_bird
2011-05-13 11:57 pm (UTC)
Nature AND nurture, for sure. A poignant entry.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: theafaye
2011-05-14 07:13 pm (UTC)
This is a theme that really speaks to the mother in me. I look at my baby and wonder who will leave their mark on him and hope that it will be positive.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: mstrobel
2011-05-15 08:30 pm (UTC)
Very, very well said. Loved it.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: pixiebelle
2011-05-16 02:52 am (UTC)
I can think back on everyone that I have had in my life and see how they have shaped me. All the broken hearts, even the cruelty...all of it has shaped me into who I am today or taught me a valuable lesson.

Nice take on the topic!
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: i_17bingo
2011-05-16 03:27 am (UTC)
I'm not one of those people who claims that terrible things are "character-building." I wish those lines didn't have to be there.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: fourzoas
2011-05-16 04:45 pm (UTC)
We can't help but have an impact on one another when our lives touch, which is why we must always be careful with each other so as to leave the best impact we can. Very thoughtful entry.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: nyxocity
2011-05-16 06:50 pm (UTC)
We're all of us shaped by our experiences, good or bad, for better or for worse. This was very moving.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: joeymichaels
2011-05-16 10:59 pm (UTC)
I am actually amazed at how much certain people shaped my life - and at how certain people that should have shaped my life had almost no impact on it.

We are weird, we humans.
(Reply) (Thread)