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LJIdol: Week 14 [Jul. 10th, 2014|05:52 pm]
[Current Mood |tiredtired]

I've often wondered how to define myself. I'm a social worker who is mentally ill. I have been both client and therapist. In many ways, the role of therapist is one I fall into with more ease. I'm not vulnerable when helping someone else. However, when I'm the client, I feel torn wide open, nothing hidden, my every thought, feeling and action called into question.

For the past fifteen years or so, I stayed out of therapy. Now though, as my agoraphobia worsens, I find myself sitting on a couch in a small office with a man I refer to as the "Nervous therapist". He knows a great deal, but isn't the world's greatest communicator. It takes him several minutes to put what's in his head into words. He's not intimidating, which is a huge plus for me.

He wants to get to the root of my fear. He asks me for answers I've never had. I delve as deeply as I can with limited success. My brain holds many secrets, and it doesn't seem to be willing to release them easily.

For an hour a week, I sit on the couch, responding to the questions he asks. It's the only time all my inner walls are down. I feel transparent and afraid. Do I fear the transparency? I suppose I do, but, without it, I don't know if my illness will ever be something I can managed. I know it will never leave me completely. Asking for such would be unrealistic. After all, fear has been my constant companion for the past thirty years. All I can ask for is a way to manage it. Perhaps that's what I'll find on the couch of the Nervous Therapist.

This is my entry for week 14 of:

Thank you for taking the time to read. It's always appreciated, even if I don't manage to respond to every comment.


[User Picture]From: kickthehobbit
2014-07-12 01:43 am (UTC)

I could relate to this.
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[User Picture]From: rayaso
2014-07-12 05:25 pm (UTC)
Thank you for sharing this with us. I hope you are able to make progress.
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[User Picture]From: n3m3sis43
2014-07-13 12:26 am (UTC)
I relate to this a lot, even though I only worked in the mental health field (as a glorified babysitter since I only had my bachelor's in Psych) for a couple years. Over the past few years, as I've dealt with trauma and panic and all kinds of other stuff that makes me feel like a drama queen to talk about, I've considered going back and getting a master's so I can be a therapist.

I hope the Nervous Therapist helps you.
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[User Picture]From: eska818
2014-07-13 05:46 am (UTC)
Heh - I relate to this as well. -hugs-
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[User Picture]From: kittenboo
2014-07-14 01:34 am (UTC)
I hope you find the help you are looking for.
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[User Picture]From: jem0000000
2014-07-14 09:42 am (UTC)
*hugs* Good luck.
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[User Picture]From: whipchick
2014-07-14 10:06 am (UTC)
I know what you mean about the switching roles - it's so interesting what we can do for others that we have a tougher time doing for ourselves.
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[User Picture]From: gratefuladdict
2014-07-14 08:04 pm (UTC)
I think it's really wonderful that you're able to switch between the roles - that you can be strong and take charge when it's needed, and that you can let go and be vulnerable when it's your turn to be in need. I hope the Nervous Therapist helps you find what you're looking for.
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[User Picture]From: eternal_ot
2014-07-15 12:54 pm (UTC)
Best wishes and good luck with your therapy either ways as a client as well as therapist..take care.Hope to hear some positive developments soon..:)
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[User Picture]From: kajel
2014-07-15 08:46 pm (UTC)
Good luck with this.
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From: uncawes
2014-07-16 04:02 am (UTC)
This is the most heartbreaking confession I've read in this week's entries
I hope you can find a way to manage your demons.
Perhaps something will come to you when you're helping someone else with their demons

Edited at 2014-07-16 04:02 am (UTC)
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[User Picture]From: halfshellvenus
2014-07-17 03:51 am (UTC)
I'm so sorry your agoraphobia is getting worse. Is it something that could be reduced with medication, like other anxiety disorders?

I hope that therapy, with this counselor or another, will help and will return a little comfort and freedom to your life.
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[User Picture]From: alycewilson
2014-07-17 11:00 pm (UTC)
As long as you keep going, hopefully you'll get something out of it. I know I did.
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[User Picture]From: kandigurl
2014-07-17 11:39 pm (UTC)
I hope to some day be able to go to therapy, I've always felt it could do me good.
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[User Picture]From: the_dark_snack
2015-07-04 12:45 pm (UTC)
Happy Birthday!
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[User Picture]From: the_dark_snack
2016-07-04 11:58 am (UTC)
Happy Birthday!
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