?

Log in

No account? Create an account
The Seasons change, and, still, I sing. [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
solstice_singer

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ archive | journal archive ]

LJIdol: Week 6 [Apr. 19th, 2014|09:45 pm]
solstice_singer
[Tags|]
[Current Mood |blahblah]

Last night, I dreamed. I dreamed of a life in which food was not my enemy. I could eat without fear, enjoy the things my friends and family raved about. My weight was not an obsession. The idea of weighing 100 pounds did not frighten me. One crack had been healed.

Last night I dreamed. I dreamed of freedom. The outdoors did not scare me. Malls, airports, and busy supermarkets were places I could traverse with ease. The idea of being alone wasn't frightening. My home could really be my home, a place where I was free of fear. Another crack was healed.

Last night I dreamed. I dreamed of self-respect. No longer did I shrink away from compliments that were paid me. No longer did I fear being someone's victim. I was strong and proud, a whole person. Another crack healed.

This morning, I woke up, crushed to discover that my dreams were nothing more than my imagination playing games with me. I'm still an agoraphobic, anorexic, sexual assault survivor. My cracks are still there, still quite easily seen. I might fool people for a little while, but it isn't long before someone uncovers the truth. I'm defined by the cracks mental illness has carved into my heart, my mind, and my spirit.

I have hope for the future. I know the effects of my illnesses. I'm aware of my fate. Still, I have hope. Maybe it's silly. Perhaps I'm drowning myself in illusions of wholeness. Maybe it's a survival skill. I, however, choose not to view myself and my situation in any of these ways. Instead, I choose to think of myself as someone who is doing the best she can with what she has. I choose to hope for the day when I no longer have to fear stepping on my own cracks, plunging myself into a world of darkness and despair.


This is my contribution to week 6 of
therealljidol
I apologize for not answering last week's comments. A nasty ear infection made me sleep a lot. I'm hoping this week will be better. I appreciate everyone's support.

LinkReply

Comments:
[User Picture]From: basric
2014-04-20 02:45 am (UTC)
Heart-wrenching. But hope is the plaster to fill in the cracks.
(Reply) (Thread)
From: solstice_singer
2014-04-23 02:35 am (UTC)
Thank you. I try to view it that way.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: irradescent
2014-04-20 03:22 am (UTC)
I hope you feel better than last week. I miss you and I'm glad you're writing again, at least for Lj idol.
(Reply) (Thread)
From: solstice_singer
2014-04-23 02:36 am (UTC)
I'm feeling better. Still on antibiotics, but should be done in a few days.

I'm glad I'm back for idol. It's nice to be back on LJ.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: kagomeshuko
2014-04-20 04:07 am (UTC)
I'd love food to NEVER be my enemy.
(Reply) (Thread)
From: solstice_singer
2014-04-23 02:37 am (UTC)
It would be nice, wouldn't it?
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: eska818
2014-04-20 10:00 pm (UTC)
This was painfully sad. Thank you for sharing a little of yourself with us.
(Reply) (Thread)
From: solstice_singer
2014-04-23 02:38 am (UTC)
Thank you so much for reading. Some topics allow me the freedom to be open and vulnerable.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: penpusher
2014-04-21 01:13 pm (UTC)
Good wishes for making those dreams come true - after all, every reality begins with a dream.
(Reply) (Thread)
From: solstice_singer
2014-04-23 02:39 am (UTC)
Thank you so much. Good wishes are always appreciated.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: lilmizmombassa
2014-04-21 10:47 pm (UTC)
In this world of brokenness, hope is worth an awful lot. *hugs*
(Reply) (Thread)
From: solstice_singer
2014-04-23 02:40 am (UTC)
There do seem to be a lot of broken people and things in this world. Perhaps you're right about the worth of hope.

As always, I appreciate your comment.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: lawchicky
2014-04-22 07:45 pm (UTC)
:( *hugs*
(Reply) (Thread)
From: solstice_singer
2014-04-23 02:42 am (UTC)
Thank you for reading. I appreciate it immensely.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: rayaso
2014-04-23 08:09 pm (UTC)
You bear some very heavy burdens, any one of which would be overpowering, but I'm glad you're able to write so well about them. Good luck with your ear infection. It can be nasty.
(Reply) (Thread)
From: solstice_singer
2014-04-29 06:00 pm (UTC)
Sometimes, I get very overwhelmed by them. There are days when I just want to give it up, but I know I can't.

Thank you so much for the comment.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: itsjustc
2014-04-23 08:23 pm (UTC)
This is really sad but beautifully explained.

I think LJ gives us each of us little insights into each others lives.

Thank you for sharing a little of yourself with me.



Edited at 2014-04-23 08:24 pm (UTC)
(Reply) (Thread)
From: solstice_singer
2014-04-29 06:02 pm (UTC)
That's what I've always liked about LJ. I've gotten to know a lot of people that way.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: tatdatcm
2014-04-23 10:22 pm (UTC)
This is beautiful and sad. The way you structured it really allows the reader to empathize. I'm glad there's hope at the end. Hope is a powerful thing.
(Reply) (Thread)
From: solstice_singer
2014-04-29 06:04 pm (UTC)
When I first wrote it, there was just the dream sequence, and then the realization of reality. After reaing it back, it seemed so bleak, and somehow incomplete. Hence, the added paragraph.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: roina_arwen
2014-04-24 05:48 am (UTC)
You have to play the hand you're dealt, but I hope you get a lot of wild cards to make the best hand you can!
(Reply) (Thread)
From: solstice_singer
2014-04-29 06:07 pm (UTC)
Thank you. I hope for the same thing.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: eternal_ot
2014-04-24 03:11 pm (UTC)
Aww..*hugs*... best wishes <3
(Reply) (Thread)
From: solstice_singer
2014-04-29 06:08 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: witches
2014-04-24 06:37 pm (UTC)
*hugs* this is such a powerful and poignant piece. thank you for sharing <3
(Reply) (Thread)
From: solstice_singer
2014-04-29 06:10 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment. I appreciate it immensely.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: halfshellvenus
2014-04-24 06:59 pm (UTC)
It must be so hard and stressful to live with this, but hope is worth embracing. All of these conditions can be made so much better-- some of them nearly eliminated-- with time and therapy. I hope your stress is eased over time, as you continue forward.
(Reply) (Thread)
From: solstice_singer
2014-04-29 06:11 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much for this. I've lived with most of these for years and years. It's stressful at times. Sometimes, I just want to give up, but I can't. I really appreciate your words.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: jem0000000
2014-04-24 07:14 pm (UTC)
*hugs*
(Reply) (Thread)
From: solstice_singer
2014-04-29 06:12 pm (UTC)
Thank you.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread) (Expand)