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solstice_singer

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LJIdol: Week 4 [Apr. 6th, 2014|01:29 pm]
solstice_singer
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[Current Mood |nostalgicnostalgic]

There are places my mind refuses to revisit, places my heart yearns to forget. I've worked hard to build walls around them, sealing every crack, every chink in what should be impenetrable. Sometimes, despite my efforts, I find myself thinking of you. I find myself asking questions that will never be answered. Maybe it's just part of being human, but exploring the parts of me that are broken has never been high on my list of enjoyable pastimes.

My mind travels back to the first time you said you loved me. I remember the silver charm, half a heart, that I wore to symbolize our love for one another. I stayed home to finish school, even though I yearned for Texas, for freedom, for you. Those were the longest two years of my life, but I survived. I graduated, and flew to be with you as soon as I could.

Was it your intention to break me? Did you want to clip my wings? Was I supposed to remain housebound, dependent on you for everything? If I look back at those early days, my honest answer to all of these questions would be no, but what would yours be? Once, I thought I knew. Once, I could say with great certainty that you wanted me to grow, to flourish, to become all that I was capable of becoming. Now though, so many years later, I'm less sure. Maybe my dependence made you stronger, even as it weakened me.

You were by my side as I fought my way through graduate school. You stood by me through countless battles with university officials. I was blind, but that shouldn't stop me from becoming the social worker I knew I could be. When I cried, you held me. You reassured me. You loved me through all the hardships graduate school put me through. Truly, you were my rock.

What tore us apart? Was it the fact that I had achieved so much, while you, a sighted person, had achieved so little? Did you resent the opportunities that were offered to me? When I asked, you swore it wasn't like that, but time and distance might cause you to tell a different story.

Finally, I knew we could no longer stay together. You had begun to drink. I was thousands of dollars in debt because of you. What had once been beautiful was now tarnished, bent, and broken. I couldn't fix it, and, honestly, by that time, I'm not really sure there was anything to fix.

So, I left. I ran 2,000 miles to rediscover me. I needed to know who I really was. Where did you end and I begin? What parts of me could be salvaged? These were the questions I answered on Long Island. It was a painful time, a time full of tears and self-recriminations. Slowly though, things got better. I owned the things I'd done wrong, and let go of the rest.

It's been almost four years since I left you. So long a time, and yet, so very little as well. The ten years of my life that were given to you are years I'll never get back, but they are years that have taught me so many things. I can stand tall now, flawed, but beautiful, broken but fixable, I hope. My spirit flies free in a way it never could when we were together. You bent me. Our relationship battered me. In spite of all of this, I am still here, still fighting, still loving, living, and making what difference I can to my small corner of the world. If your intent was to break me, I am pleased to report that you did not succeed.


This has been my entry for week 4 of
therealljidol

Please remember me when the polls open on Monday evening.

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Comments:
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[User Picture]From: dakotawitch
2014-04-06 05:44 pm (UTC)
Beautiful.

This could be my story, almost word for word.

I'm glad you got out.

We might be a little bruised, a little worn around the edges, but we're still standing.
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From: solstice_singer
2014-04-08 07:44 pm (UTC)
I'm proud to be standing tall. You told me, in a comment last season, that I would eventually find the place I was supposed to be. I've found it now, and am truly happy.

Your entries continue to inspire me, as it seems we've walked similar paths. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and your experiences.
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[User Picture]From: iwriteflash
2014-04-06 06:28 pm (UTC)
I love you for getting away. Beautiful piece of writing :)
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From: solstice_singer
2014-04-08 07:45 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much. It was a difficult thing to do, but it had to be done.
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[User Picture]From: x_disturbed_x
2014-04-06 06:51 pm (UTC)
I'm very glad you were able to get away as well. :) This is very inspirational.

Edited at 2014-04-06 06:53 pm (UTC)
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From: solstice_singer
2014-04-08 07:46 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much. Leaving wasn't easy. There were good things about that relationship and I found it difficult to separate the good from the bad.
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[User Picture]From: eska818
2014-04-06 09:43 pm (UTC)
Beautifully written, inspiring, and you handle emotions very well in your words.
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From: solstice_singer
2014-04-08 07:48 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much for the comment. i appreciate it immensely.
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[User Picture]From: penpusher
2014-04-06 11:57 pm (UTC)
Congratulations for all. So many don't have the strength or even the knowledge to escape, or might not know where to go if they did.

Brilliant.
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From: solstice_singer
2014-04-08 07:50 pm (UTC)
Ugh. Where to go was a huge problem. I'm blind, was traveling with a guide dog and a cat. Luckily, I have good friends on Long Island who didn't mind the small zoo coming to stay for a while. It was a good, healing time for me, and I'll be forever grateful for those who gave it to me.

Thank you for stopping by to comment.
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[User Picture]From: tikva
2014-04-07 12:29 am (UTC)
Much love.
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From: solstice_singer
2014-04-08 07:51 pm (UTC)
Right back to you. Hugs.
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From: faerie_spark
2014-04-07 01:35 am (UTC)
my eyes were very wet after reading this.
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From: solstice_singer
2014-04-08 07:53 pm (UTC)
I would not want to relive that time in my life. It was a necessary time, I know, but unpleasant in so many ways.

Thank you for being one of those who was there through it all.
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[User Picture]From: kagomeshuko
2014-04-07 03:07 am (UTC)
Glad you got away.
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From: solstice_singer
2014-04-08 07:54 pm (UTC)
Me too. Thank you for taking the time to comment.
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[User Picture]From: halfshellvenus
2014-04-07 11:33 pm (UTC)
I'm so sorry that something that seemed so promising and wonderful turned out the way it did. But thank heavens you left, and have found what is truly your own way now.
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From: solstice_singer
2014-04-08 07:55 pm (UTC)
I guess we can never really predict the way things will turn out, no matter how hard we try.

Thanks so much for the comment.
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[User Picture]From: beautyofgrey
2014-04-08 12:48 am (UTC)
Those last two lines made me cheer for you on my couch. :)
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From: solstice_singer
2014-04-08 07:56 pm (UTC)
There are days I can use all the cheering I can get. Thank you so much.
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[User Picture]From: amberdawnpullin
2014-04-08 05:16 am (UTC)
You could have ended with "I owned the things I'd done wrong, and let go of the rest." and I would have though it just as complete a work - good for you for accomplishing so much here.
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From: solstice_singer
2014-04-08 07:57 pm (UTC)
I thought about that, actually. I rewrote the last bit a couple of times, and finally decided to let it stand.

Thank you for your thoughts, and for taking the time to comment.
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[User Picture]From: itsjustc
2014-04-08 04:54 pm (UTC)
A great piece.

You sound as if you are going through the same stage in life that a lot of my friends are currently going through! I'm glad you got away.
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From: solstice_singer
2014-04-08 07:59 pm (UTC)
Thank you for the comment.

I wish everyone could get away, but it's hard and it's scary. I really didn't know where I'd end up, and there were plenty of days I wished I'd stayed.
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From: fodschwazzle
2014-04-08 11:43 pm (UTC)
A very open letter. I wish I could share with the students I teach how the complexity of life can frustrate a relationship as eloquently as you express it here. I'm glad you've found your own strength.
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From: solstice_singer
2014-04-10 07:32 pm (UTC)
I think it's something everyone must learn on their own. We have these fairytale images of what a relationship will mean. Then, life does its thing. Sometimes, that's all right. Other times, not so much.

Honestly, I never dreamed things would have turned out the way they did. I was young and in love.

Thank you so much for commenting.
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[User Picture]From: similiesslip
2014-04-09 02:46 am (UTC)
Man, in some ways this is so much like what I am going through right now. It gives me hope that you...have made it out and feel fixable. I hope I am fixable too.

Thank you so much for sharing this.
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From: solstice_singer
2014-04-10 07:35 pm (UTC)
I believe we are all fixable. We may not feel that way all the time, but time and distance really are great healers. It's sort of cliche, I realize, but things really do get better with time. I sincerely wish you all the best.
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[User Picture]From: eternal_ot
2014-04-09 05:16 am (UTC)
"In spite of all of this, I am still here, still fighting, still loving, living, and making what difference I can to my small corner of the world. If your intent was to break me, I am pleased to report that you did not succeed."
And I am pleased to read this...*hugs* so many of us live the life of misery because of the fear of unknown.. I am glad you stood up for yourself...an inspiring tale..thanks for sharing!..:)
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From: solstice_singer
2014-04-10 07:37 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much for reading and commenting. I didn't want to live that way, always afraid of how things would be. So, I left, but it was one of the scariest things I've ever done.
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